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not for the weak-minded or the arachnophobic
I am
severely injured by your tremendous lack of comprehension. The way you consider such a dexterous and
beautiful creature such as myself with such a lack of regard, so far as to not
even distinguish my species, is astounding.
Is it true that I have, in my absence, been referred to as such a lowly
creature as a mere bug? Have I honestly been
mistaken for such life forms as an alien and a gnome of all things? Tell me it is not so! For those of you, who have not had the
profound distinction of making my acquaintance, allow me to make a more thorough
introduction of myself than I had previously viewed as necessary.
My
name is Rodriguez Ignatius Webster. You,
however, have the opportunity of referring to me as Rodney, Webster or
Lilalluring1 if a more diminutive title pleases you.
I am a predatory
invertebrate animal with two body segments, eight legs, no chewing mouth parts
and no wings. I am classified in the order Araneae, one of several orders within
the larger class of arachnids. Ringing any bells? If this is too
advanced a method of description for your minuscule discernment, allow me to rephrase
in less exalted language. I AM A SPIDER,
YOU DIMWITS.
I am considered by many, especially those of
whom I choose to make my meals, to be narcissistic and denigrating. Nevertheless,
I will attempt to explain their actual meaning to you in a way that you may
perhaps be competent enough to understand.
If, for instance, they say that I am haughty, all they really mean is
that I am an honest and capable judge of my own copious merits. When they declare that I am degrading, that is
simply what they call it when their own self-importance is crushed (metaphorically,
and at times, literally) by my superior abilities. I may have referred to you as incompetent, dimwits
with a tremendous lack of comprehension and minuscule discernment, but that is
merely because of the extensive contact I have had with humans of that
description. Some of you, however, have
proved yourselves worthy of my higher regard by seeing me as a creature worth
emulation. I have much wisdom to instill
in you if you are willing to except it.
Let us commence with a lesson in beauty and terror flawlessly united in a
single living thing: ME.
Here
I am. Behold my splendor. May you never
forget the sight.
Superiorly
Yours.
R. I. W.
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